i had confession today. and i brought a pen and paper to list down my sins so I wouldn’t get garbled or nervous about confessing them. I didn’t know He wanted me to do some writing after as well. 

The power of confession is this. The presence of the forgiving God is so powerful the moment you step inside those walls, you feel the weight of sin. and while you’re inside, that heaviness is so real, so penetrating. The presence of forgiveness is even more real. Not heavy, but solid.

i know i have already been forgiven. That is my grace- knowing that.

the blood spattered cross represents my salvation. it’s not easy to see nor is it easy to grasp. forgiveness is one of the biproduct. Salvation is life and resurrection. i know i am forgiven.

a man who loved was nailed to a tree. and by defeating death, the sins that died on that tree with him have been cleansed. i am saved. i am saved because of the cross. and it comes with this undeniable peace of knowing that.

writing for me is not exhaling. There is a need for me to push myself and lift my hand, clear my mind, and dig through it.

confession reminds me of the cross. And love was taken into the grave. then came back to tell us He did it for the Father who willed it. yes. i learned during lent, it was not us who put him on the tree, but the Father. My Christ is no victim. 

confession is like this: You are made to remember that you are unworthy. Just for a while. It is because God is showing you that despite of that, His love is greater than your unworthiness. That His love, by giving it to you, you are worthy. he gave you his love even while you sinned, even while you were unworthy.

He made the first move, not you. Him. 

This love is life. Forgiveness breaks chains. yours, and the world’s.

confession is not a box where you enter dirty and come out clean. it is a meeting place, one of many, where God shows up and reminds you that his cross and his love has made you clean from the beginning.

God is bigger than your sin, than your unworthiness, than your pain, than your burden.

and He gives this big-ness to you. even if you don’t deserve it. we don’t. But He gives. 

today, i read this:

 ”I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. (Colossians 2:2-3)”

and today, it’s taking so much, for me to delve into what is left of my spirit.

i admit, i havent tended to it. i let my faith wander to the world. and lately, there’s just been something awakening in me that i cannot afford to move on with my day with this prayer of writing from the soul. 

i feel like I’m itching. like that spot between your shoulder blades that you just can’t reach. like the verses have opened up from a box and let out a living entity that has rushed towards that spot i cannot reach to scratch.

i also feel like i’m hardly getting anywhere. there’s been some crawling done, some trying, some bending of knees, some peace here and there. but that place where i once was, i know that state. and i guess i havent surrendered enough.

i want to know what it’s like to really prioritize faith. i do, behind the psychy of it all, maybe there’s just something too proud inside of me. that or too comfortable to reach beyond this. 

i see the lives of those whose hearts are tendered by the spirit, so sensitive to the word, so easily manifested by Jesus. and i want that. 

there are still some walls i have to break inside of me. it’s rock solid, hard and maybe even crystal because i can’t seem to find it. i have to break that to finally let the gushing wind in. as it has been waiting there behind the walls for the dam to break and give in. when? 

as i reflect on this verse…i feel that i cannot even breathe it in. but it is a sign of hope and love that is great and powerful. love will forever and always be my life source, my life force, my driving power. and it is written al across this verse. a mystery of beings entwined by love.

“woven into a tapestry of love”  has left me speechless. but it’s all i could ever ask for. to see this, to live it. to be part of the weaving, the mustering of courage to go over and under other strings, to twist and loop into everything. 

today i woke up at 4 am to go to the dawn mass with my mom as a humble way to thank the Big man for a lot of blessings for the past few months

and what was usually boring (sorry) was quite intense. in my head, i saw this image of Jesus giving me a new heart. like iron man and his glowing battery thingy. cept mine was cooler. and one word; untouchable

and i told him my worries. in my heart the anxiety still grew. at that moment, the priest said one sentence that was parallel to what God was calling to my heart :    ”Cling to Jesus”

and it hit me. a ball of peace was growing inside my chest. my biggest worries were not making the cut. for the past 3 weeks i toiled in the biggest most stressful part of college life which was preparing for finals. working. no sleep. colds and fevers and stress. never have i been so uptight and intense.

now that it’s over, the anxiety crept back in bit by bit because my mind got used to it. until the peace came. 

and He spoke to my heart. 

you had it your way, child. now it’s my turn. do not worry about your standards, your grades, your work. either way i have kept you from the fires. and with me, my glory is revealed. no grade can make you what i have intended for you. i have bigger plans for you, child. in my arms you are held. and i will show you that you are capable for so much more.

then. i breathed. i sighed. and i let it go. high grade, low grade. doesn’t matter. not now. it can’t. 

and i breathed again

today i found myself waiting at the cross

i found myself waiting, period. 

i haven’t done that in a while 

and He called, i answered

and it was such a beautiful response

“When i prayed, i couldn’t hear His voice, See His face, touch His hands”

a testimony to what i’ve been going through the past few months

today i can summarize all that i felt in one word: Awakening 

in my awakening, i found patience. the patience to fully trust in God’s plan. my questions were answered by a keyboardist. and my faith awoke with a fierce rage to get up by a man who i thought would never stand before me and shout in glory for God.  i found that gentle tug, but the powerful conviction in the tandem of their beautiful worship.

and i felt my heart over flow. 

i dont know how long this will last on me. i don’t know if it’s safe to say that cycles are okay. but for me, it’s a journey on the path to truth. a path to knowing God. and i like my zigzag. i like His surprises.

i like how i left it all to Him, and he made a way. i like how i offered myself, and He took me into His arms through his words that i allowed myself to open up to and be penetrated. 

i like how the messages still ring in my head.

and i love how i am loved. 

(via nandoom)

to be able to dance alone in your room once in awhile :)

so i turned 20.

i did feel a shift of age, maybe. just a little bit

perhaps because i’ve been detached from the suffix “teen”, my one excuse to have rules placed somewhere else, to have logic kept in a box, and to rely on chance and luck and love and hope and beauty and God

but i guess it’s now that i am realizing how big this life is. before it was grades, school, making a name.

but after going through the experiences this week, such as a friend of mine passing.. (and i know she rests with her Father. she was only 17.. she was battling cancer) and a tough tough term in school, my world got bigger. though with less people in it, i ask..” why me?” 

why wasn’t i taken. 

it’s not a sad, suicidal rhetorical question.

but a needed lesson to start asking “why me” when you realize you are blessed. 

my world got bigger in a sense my problems got smaller

in a sense that i need to inhale all that there is in this life

in a sense that i need to stuff my existence with all  that i can. 

like if emotions and experiences were a buffet, dare i try everything?

for awhile, it’s been joy, a little of bit of depression here and there, anxiety always

what about fear? surprise? disgust? anger? irritation? 

i feel like a notebook just crammed with doodles and notes

like there’s so much and not enough at the same time

and there’s this world where i do want to live in, or sometimes i don’t

but the breath that remains in me the desires to live live live

like all the other 20 year olds out there, like a drug creeping into you blood system

feels like the madness of the moon 

exhilarating- this is my new favorite word 

the search for the self is the most important need i have right now. i may have not tasted or gone through all the walks there are, all the opportunities, all the what if’s and could be’s. but you are always lead to that rock, to that first step. to search for yourself again when all is said and done. 

as i write this, i can feel my hearts anxiety subside just for a little bit. and in hope that i find my place in myself and in my maker. 

because until i do, i am restless. 

tired, but restless